Lately I've been feeling very lonely in my new home. It's not the kind of loneliness that can be cured simply by spending more time with people. It's a deeper loneliness -- I am lonely for the people who love and know me best. I think the hardest thing about moving to a new place like this, all alone, is not having a single relationship that I feel sure of. Every relationship I have here is new, fragile and uncertain. I can never be entirely sure where I stand with anyone, even the people I rely on the most (Perhaps especially the people I rely on the most).
Talking to friends and family back home over the internet helps, but even in the best interactions there is still a lack: the distance alone destroys, in part, the very intimacy I am seeking. And even an hours-long conversation can't change the fact that these are no longer the people I am making a life with. The end result is that my every relationship is marred by distance, whether emotional or physical. It is a painful state to live in continuously.
But live I must. So I live on the hope that tomorrow will be better than yesterday, and that perhaps the day after that will be better yet, and that slowly, with painstaking work, every day's little moments are pebbles being added to the pitcher, so that soon I will be able to quench this soul-thirst.
2 comments:
Oh no! I hope this will pass soon. Homesickness can be an awful thing. Especially when the holiday season rolls around. Hang in there! And blog more often, will ya? :)
Thanks for the encouragement!
And...who are you?
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